"I need you to come RIGHT NOW and sweep all these beer bottles, all from my floor." (from "Little Elf")
Jerky Boys
My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man...people on the 14th Floor, you know what Floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "14.01". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".
Mitch Hedberg
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
Robin Williams
There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff here under "That's grand"; then it moves into "Ah, now, don't push it"; and finally to "Right! You're taking the piss." And that's where the police sweep in.
Dara O Briain
He said "I'll punch your head!" I said "Whose?" He said "Yours!"
I said "Mine?" He said "Yes!" I said "Oh?"
He said "Want a fight?" I said "Who?" He said "You!"
I said "Me?" He said "Yes!" I said "No!"
So we then came to words, he said "You're a cad!"
I said "Cad?" He said "Yes!" I said "Who?"
He said "Who?" I said "Yes." He said "You!" I said "Oh!"
So of course then I knew.Robb Wilton
Jerky Boys
Jerome
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