Friday, September 21, 2018 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Mitch Hedberg (1968 – 2005)


American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
Hedberg quotes
This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign.
Hedberg
I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliance. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, blender...you just say what the thing does and then you add '-er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "What's this do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break."




Hedberg Mitch quotes
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
Hedberg Mitch
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
Mitch Hedberg quotes
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street...it's a way to open shit!
Mitch Hedberg
Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.
Hedberg Mitch quotes
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
Hedberg
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
Hedberg Mitch
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.




Mitch Hedberg quotes
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Mitch Hedberg
Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
Hedberg quotes
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Hedberg Mitch
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Hedberg Mitch quotes
I didnít go to college, but if I did, I wouldíve taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause the customer is always right. (reacting to meager applause) All right, all right. That jokeís better than you acted. Perhaps itís not. Maybe itís dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin', genius, for Christ's sake, you know? I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. Itís called "Attitude."
Mitch Hedberg
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckiní rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said ďCímon, what about some celery? You fuckers donít farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." That's...that's the part that's not on the old CD.
Mitch Hedberg quotes
So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
Mitch Hedberg
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
Hedberg Mitch
I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.


© 2009–2013Quotes Privacy Policy | Contact