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Mitch Hedberg (1968 – 2005)


American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
Mitch Hedberg
I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it's gotta be, "He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That's the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, 'cause you can say "Philly" and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say "Frisco," San Francisco people say, "Fuck off!" But if you say "Philly" they say, "Alright!" Because I don't always have time to say "Philadelphia." Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!
Hedberg quotes
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
Hedberg
This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign.




Hedberg Mitch quotes
I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliance. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, blender...you just say what the thing does and then you add '-er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "What's this do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break."
Hedberg Mitch
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
Mitch Hedberg quotes
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
Mitch Hedberg
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street...it's a way to open shit!
Hedberg Mitch quotes
Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.
Hedberg
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
Hedberg Mitch
Now let me ask you this: why do you think there's a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe, in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn't that funny. All the old clubs had STRAW in the back. But then the wolf would have a bad set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we went to STICKS, and once again, he huffed and puffed, and the motherfucker fucked shit up again! Now we're at bricks; the wolf ain't funny, but he can't do shit. That's the Improv Fairy Tale.
Mitch Hedberg
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"




Mitch Hedberg quotes
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!" So it said, "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
Hedberg quotes
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.
Hedberg Mitch
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Hedberg Mitch quotes
Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg quotes
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
I didnít go to college, but if I did, I wouldíve taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause the customer is always right. (reacting to meager applause) All right, all right. That jokeís better than you acted. Perhaps itís not. Maybe itís dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin', genius, for Christ's sake, you know? I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. Itís called "Attitude."
Hedberg Mitch
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckiní rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said ďCímon, what about some celery? You fuckers donít farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." That's...that's the part that's not on the old CD.


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