Saturday, October 21, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Robin Williams


American actor and comedian.
Robin Williams
My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar..."
Williams quotes
What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"
Williams
The Swiss...the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army—how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First you pull the cork out, sniff it, say 'meat or fish?' and throw! (military cadence) I don't know what I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold, Ja!"




Williams Robin quotes
The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"
Williams Robin
Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!
Robin Williams quotes
Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
Robin Williams
In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?
Williams Robin quotes
Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". <hissing noise> "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."
Williams
(On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
Williams Robin
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
Robin Williams
Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.




Robin Williams quotes
There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like <tiptoes across the stage> "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
Robin Williams
We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."
Williams quotes
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
Williams Robin
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
Williams Robin quotes
My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
Robin Williams
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
Robin Williams quotes
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
Robin Williams
Now, at the airports, if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Please remove anything from your pockets." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nose, eyebrows, lips; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is what's known as a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish..."Victoria, I'm dying...I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me..."
Williams Robin
There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People--they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.


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