My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"
Ron White
One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] Just a quilt.
Ron White
Now this...is the greatest...moment...in our lives. This is what we asked God for. This is what we wanted to see...if we could make! And I looked at it...and they started to clean it off...and it wasn't getting any better. I turned to my wife, I kissed her ever so gently on the lips and said, "Honey, I love you...very much. You just had...a lizard." Because the thing changed colors three times! And the neck and head didn't work it just [imitates a bobbing head]. And I said to the doctor, "Can you put this back? It needs to cook a little longer. Another three months maybe?" The hospital made us take it home.
Bill Cosby
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."
Jeff Foxworthy
There is no way I was buying my wife a f**king gun, because, let's be honest, there is no way I wasn't getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta like me saying "Y'know, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise."
Marc Maron
White, Ron
White, Shaun
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