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"The next person's phone I hear set to Vivaldi is going to need a hydraulic pump to pry their phone out of their ass."
--
Ever wonder what your cell phone would sound like coming out of your ass?

 

Maddox

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This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today tryin to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talkin about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six [mumbling incoherently] fou.. tw.. five.. eight.. seven.. two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six.. teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!"

 

Kevin James

 

My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't f**king know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

 

Lee Evans

 

At the beginning of each semester, I tell students that my economic theory course will deal with positive, non-normative economic theory. I also tell them that if they hear me making a normative statement without first saying, "In my opinion," they are to raise their hands and say, "Professor Williams, we didn't take this class to be indoctrinated with your personal opinions passed off as economic theory; that's academic dishonesty." I also tell them that as soon as they hear me say, "In my opinion," they can stop taking notes because my opinion is irrelevant to the subject of the class -- economic theory. Another part of this particular lecture to my students is that by no means do I suggest that they purge their vocabulary of normative or subjective statements. Such statements are useful tools for tricking people into doing what you want them to do. You tell your father that you need a cell phone and he should buy you one. There's no evidence whatsoever that you need a cell phone. After all, George Washington managed to lead our nation to defeat Great Britain, the mightiest nation on Earth at the time, without owning a cell phone.

 

Walter E. Williams

 

Dennis McCauley's Phone Number Is (private phone number) I called him yesterday, asking him to call me back at (Jacks phone number) so that I could correct an error (yet another one) in a story here at GP about me. But guess what? Dennis won't call me back. That's because he's not a real journalist, just a freelancer who is a biased video game industry jihadist.
Please contact Dennis and ask him to return his phone calls. Thanks. Jack Thompson

 

Jack Thompson

 

People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle."

 

Michael McIntyre