Monday, June 26, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Maddox


George Ouzounian is the owner of The Best Page in the Universe, a satirical website.
Maddox
"When I say this game is hard, I mean hard like nipples-on-a-blind-lesbian-in-a-fish-market hard."
Maddox quotes
"Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors."
Maddox
"Some people think I'm conceited. Oh well. All my friends think I'm better than they are. Sometimes my friends ask 'so how come you rule so much?' One time I decided to play basketball, but I suck at basketball so I lost. Just kidding, I kicked everyone's ass because I'm the best. I own everyone at everything. There's no use in trying to be as good as me because it's impossible. There aren't enough words to describe how good I am. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME. I AM KING. Everyone wishes they were me. EVERYONE. If I weren't me, I'd wish I was. I love me."




Maddox quotes
"6. You realize that if 10 million people saw the movie once, each wasting 3 hours of their lives, that 30 million hours have been wasted, and that if each person lived an average of 70 years, 3,424 years, or 49 lives will have been wasted watching the Titanic. James Cameron has effectively murdered 49 people. (Not necessarily a reason to cry, but it is to a sap that saw Titanic in the first place)."
Maddox
"Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples."
Maddox quotes
"Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing."
Maddox
"There are pigs that can manipulate joysticks, yet you morons can't even send me an intelligible email."
Maddox quotes
"How can a movie be "one of the best"? There's only one "best" movie, so saying something is "one of the best" is stupid and doesn't make sense. Technically any movie that's not the worst could be considered "one of the best." Imagine that, another empty phrase used by marketing people. I want to punch someone in the throat."
Maddox
"It's not that I rule, it's that everyone else sucks more than I do. We all suck, and whoever sucks the least is king."
Maddox
(introduction) "this page is about my opinions. if you disagree, you have a right to your opinion and i can respect that."
Maddox
"My Nuts are just under critical mass, a few inches away from collapsing into a super dense vortex of nutsaqutron (a type of radiation given off by enormous balls)."




Maddox quotes
"If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email would be the plane that crashed into it."
Maddox
"If you've ever wondered what someone who's horny enough to pay a bunch of adolescents $5000 in cash in exchange for some action looks like, take a good look at Ms. Walker's picture. Three words: battery operated dildo. Or if you happen to be a stickler for brevity like I am, just one word: cucumber. Because, damn."
Maddox quotes
"Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis."
Maddox
"...you could sell these people hookers in a vagina storm."
Maddox quotes
I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win. I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I'd be "pro choice" is if it meant I could choose which babies I could abort, and only then if I could lift the age restriction to 80."
Maddox
"Okay, here's a tip: if you're doing something creepy like molesting children, you don't need to take topless photos of yourself to seal the deal. We know, the pedosmile is enough."
Maddox quotes
"Imagine finding out you got rejected from community college, then finding out that your alcoholic father got arrested for domestic abuse, you lost all your life savings in a Ponzi scheme, and all of this happens to you while you're on the space shuttle Challenger. Then you wake up and it's all a bad dream, except you realize that you're at work without clothes on, and work is NASA and you're really on the space shuttle Challenger. That's what this movie is like, only infinitely worse. Everything about this movie pissed me off, save for the lesbian finger bang scene. Except even that sucked because it wasn't in the movie."
Maddox
"Watching this video is like being bukkaked with stupid."
Maddox
"Most of the screen on a blog is blank for an imaginary populace of readers still using 640x480 resolution. I didn't buy a 19" monitor to have 50% of its screen realestate pissed away on firing white pixels, you assholes."


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