Wednesday, September 19, 2018 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Lee Evans


English stand-up comedian and actor.
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Lee Evans
I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!"
Evans quotes
[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
Evans
In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"




Evans Lee quotes
I was thinking to myself out there — well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you?
Evans Lee
I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
Lee Evans quotes
The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that..."
Lee Evans
Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun!
Evans Lee quotes
All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your room!" And you're, like, [high-pitched voice] "Nah! Fucking nah, Dad! [imitates smoking] Things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.
Evans
Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pit bull with a ribbon 'round his head, going "If you say one fucking word..."
Evans Lee
You ever get lost with your wife in the car? You're completely lost, and they always say the same thing: "Oh, let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! What, did you throw bread out the fucking window?"
Lee Evans
Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [posh heroic American voice] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A HOLE IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS."




Lee Evans quotes
My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
Lee Evans
They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be. like, "What you doin' down 'ere? What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?" And they'll get a bit of meat on a stick and go "Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!" And they’ll go "Oh, is that for me?" [pretends to shove meat in shark’s mouth] "You fuckin’..."
Evans quotes
This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!"
Evans Lee
It's like unison, "Welcome to speech therapy, all together!"..."NAOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!"
Evans Lee quotes
"We don't get telly round our way, sir"! "Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do"... "No, we all came on the same coach, sir"... "Norwich, that's us, sir." There's a bloke on the fifth row going "You're gonna die now, sir, you are!"
Lee Evans
I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!"
Lee Evans quotes
They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV...
Lee Evans
Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be fucking delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.
Evans Lee
Someone walked up to me the other day and went "Excuse me... Can you show me where the station is, please?" I said "Yes, officer, if you just..."
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