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I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now … I wonder why we're f**ked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the f**king book.

 

Bill Hicks

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What do you mean, you "don't believe in homosexuality?" It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary.

 

Lea DeLaria

 

Chocolate bread! That's how they start the day. It's only going to escalate from there. By lunchtime you're f**king everybody you know. I was in Paris recently—they are very good at pleasure. I was walking by a bakery—a boulangerie, which is fun to go into and to say, even—and I went in, a childish desire to get a cake—"Give me one of those chocolate guys," I said—and I was talking to someone on the street, took a bite... I had to tell them to go away! This thing! I wanted to book a room with it! "Where are you from, what kind of music are you into? Come on!" Proper, serious pleasure. Because they know they're gonna die. Nobody goes to church. You think, we're gonna die, make a f**king nice cake.

 

Dylan Moran

 

The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, "You owe me some letters!"

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.

 

Jesus Christ

 

Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal F**khead … [air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."

 

Eddie Izzard