Friday, August 18, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Dylan Moran


Irish comedian, actor, and writer, best known for his work in Black Books.
Dylan Moran
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
Moran quotes
And Iíve been on the road for too long, I know I have, because I was in the supermarket the other day, and I saw this tiny, heartbreaking can of beans. And it really made me want to cry. I just thought how old or sick or small do you need to be to need those beans? And it was on a high shelf, you know, youíd be climbing the ladder for days just to get at those four beans.
Moran
Children aren't like that, which is why they look so young, 'cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they're walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they're walking. And it's a great walk as well, it's not an adult's sort of bemused shuffle, it's that 'I'm going over here.' And you say 'Why are you going over there?' 'Because I have a harmonica.' 'What are you doing with the harmonica?' 'I'm going to put it in the toilet.' 'Why are you doing tha-' 'Enough questions, goodbye!'




Moran Dylan quotes
Where is the cake? Cake is the language of love. I don't see any cakes in the building. You know, people say that to you: "I love you, I love you!" Yeah? Gimme a fuckin' eclair.
Moran Dylan
I asked a women I was with once, simple question, I asked her 'Have you ever eaten pheasant?' See, it's direct, isn't it?! It's enclosed, it contains everything that needs to be said! And she said a wonderful thing. She said "Erm..." - she thought about it - and she said "Er, not really." What does that mean? On any level? I mean, did you suck it and throw it away? Did someone drop it in your drink? What happened? Was it a speeding car - one lick? WHAT, WHAT?!?!
Dylan Moran quotes
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
Dylan Moran
It's a totally inhospitable place, you shouldn't be hereóthe sunóyou live about three quarters of a mile from it; I've seen insects walking around with kneepads; you fling yourselves into the sea when you're not actually walking around audibly crackling in the heat. And the sea is full of jellyfish, sharks and other things who hate you, but you persist in living here. So you know, it's a jail you live in. It's lovely, you've done wonderful things with it, but you're all still in denial.
Moran Dylan quotes
The ultimate human shopping list: Iíd like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned upon and some downright disgusting, please. Iíll have that to go, thank you!
Moran
"What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious. As though it's a big deal. All that women want is what anybody wants. You know, friendship and companionship and respect and a certain amount of leadership with submission and a kind of cooperation at all times and pre-emptive empathy and you know, general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it? [...] Traditionally, women have been attracted to uniforms. So it's not difficult to know what women want. Fascists - that's really what they're all after!
Moran Dylan
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting each other because they've given up on speech.
Dylan Moran
We end up back with each other. Thereís nowhere else to go. People! You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; itís an organism thatís half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is! ĎCause youíve got two people walking around together all the time trying to remember all the different shit they have to lie about to each other!




Dylan Moran quotes
Young people, should be allowed to go up to one another and say ďHiĒ and thatís it Ė they go off and do something wonderfully stupid together...like have a gap year, thereís no other justification for that as far as I can see. What do young people have gap years for? They havenít done anything yet! Why donít they have a full year, where they do 9 times as much work as theyíve ever done in their life to prepare them for what the rest of adult hood feels like - which wandering around a desert, with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.
Dylan Moran
It's a myth that men don't have their own version of PMT, of course they do - every woman knows this. It's a very simple experiment to conduct, all you've got to do is be with a man, wait until he starts doing something and then go up and talk to him. "WHAT?! What is it now?! I'm opening fish fingers can't you see?! You come in here, walking on the floor - breathing the air like it's yours - talking and talking and I'm doing something! Look they've fallen on the floor, are you happy?! Are you happy now?! Every time I try and do something for myself, you carbonize and then shit on my dreams... You're just like your whole family! Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!"
Moran quotes
You had an empire once, Britain. Had a great empire! Impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world, with great style. You just marched in and said 'You, you and youófuck off, we're having tiffin.'
Moran Dylan
Children are actually very sophisticated. They sleep in your bed for a reason. The child is born, it takes a look around, and thinks "Well this isn't quite what I'd hoped for. All these people are idiots... I wouldn't've have painted the house like this at all... But I've got to make the best of it. I've got to maximize my resources. So the key thing is to stop these people from having any more children."
Moran Dylan quotes
- I know what you're thinking!
Dylan Moran
People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: "Be realistic!".
Dylan Moran quotes
I apologise for even bringing this up, but it is two thousand and something, whatever it is, and it is still very difficult to have a rational conversation about periods.. to a woman.. when it could be relevant. You see Iím almost instinctively euphemistic about it, I donít want to get into trouble even here! I only realised recently Iíve been having the same kind of polite conversation all my life, where you say to somebody: ď..Hmm?.. You donít - you donít want to go to the restaurant, that we said weíd..? No, me neither. And you donít want to go to the other place Iím about to suggest- me neither! Or any of the places I can think of, I hate them all as well. But listen, the thing is, when we do find somewhere, and Iím sure we will cause youíre starving, I know that, youíve said it several times; when we get there, Iím actually not that worried about food myself. Main thing for me is, when we get in there, could you run over some of my flaws? Cause you know, I just canít keep track! I donít know what it is, if you werenít here, really Iíd be fucked, I really would.Ē I donít do that shit anymore. I just say: ďListen, listen.. Are you having your period? Cause you know what, itís humiliating to argue with a hormone. And I know youíre crying and everything, but you know what, I quite fancy a cry too, I really do. Youíve kind of stolen the show and the waiterís coming over now but I really would like to cry as well. By the way, crying isnít proof of a greater capacity to feel, itís proof of a greater capacity to cry. And Iím not paying for this, fuck you.Ē
Dylan Moran
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
Moran Dylan
- Get into the bath.


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