Wednesday, October 18, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Eddie Izzard


British comedian and actor.
Eddie Izzard
So, I thought, it's not working. So I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini, in my mind no, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, in my mind. Actually, I threw them out over the handlebars of my bicycle [mouthing the words] in my mind. And they hit a small child, who ran, "Mum, mum, mum I've been attacked by jellyfish!"
Izzard quotes
What? The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? They're coming on elephants? Where'd they get the elephants? There aren't any elephants in Europe. This I got to see are you sure? It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the Alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.
Izzard
So uh I'd better explain the tits. Um didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum even though I asked.




Izzard Eddie quotes
Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!"
Izzard Eddie
You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Eddie Izzard quotes
[God, who was James Mason, to Noah] "Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible."
Eddie Izzard
So I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old, it's 6,000 years old. One of these is not correct.
Izzard Eddie quotes
Beekeepers, yes they've gotta want to be "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!"
Izzard
I had to chat up girls, and I'd only tagged them before. I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no! At 13, you're just going, " 'Ello, Sue. I saw you in the room... I've got legs, have you? Oh yeah... Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. [mimes smacking her with the loaf and dashing off] Bye! (I love you!)"
Izzard Eddie
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion they're two words which are both different. In spelling.
Eddie Izzard
I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.




Eddie Izzard quotes
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal Fuckhead [air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
Eddie Izzard
"My name is Mrs. Smith, I've made apples out of bread and dripping, a bit of green paint, and corrugated iron." "No, these are horrible apples, Mrs. Smith. Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away until your daughter has a baby." "Shag, daughter, shag! It's a marketing idea, shag for babies! [mimes running back] My daughter's had a baby, I'm Granny Smith now!" "Come in, Granny Smith! You wonderful idea, you! Come in with your shiny apples."
Izzard quotes
And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go *fwang* [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn turn and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] "Fucking 'ell! I'm not sure about this " and a cat on the ground, going, "Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!"
Izzard Eddie
But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down: "I will have the penne all'arrabbiata." "You'll need a tray." "Do you know who I am?" "Do you know who I am?" "This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought." "Well, you'll still need a tray." "No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor." "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on." "Oh, I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I did not realize...Ha..ha..ha.h.. I tought you were challenging me for the fight to death. " A fight to the death? " This is a canteen, I work here. Yes but i am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Every one challenges me To a fight to the death.
Izzard Eddie quotes
(Talking about American and British Language) You say 'erbs and we say herbs. Because there's a fucking 'H' in it
Eddie Izzard
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard quotes
Day One: Rang bell, cat fucked off. (Oh dear.)
Day Two: Rang bell, cat went and answered door.
Day Three: Rang bell, cat said he had eaten earlier. (Cheeky bugger.)
Day Four: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
Final Day Day Five: Went and rang bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell.
I ate food.
Eddie Izzard
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death lunch death, death, death afternoon tea death, death, death quick shower ' "
Izzard Eddie
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.


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