Friday, June 09, 2023 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Eddie Izzard

« All quotes from this author
 

And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go *fwang* [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn turn and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] "F**king 'ell! I'm not sure about this " and a cat on the ground, going, "Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!"

 
Eddie Izzard

» Eddie Izzard - all quotes »



Tags: Eddie Izzard Quotes, Authors starting by I


Similar quotes

 

We throw sticks at dogs, that's the level we have dogs at. You'd never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, "Oh, he's dropped his stick! I better go and get that. [mimes chasing after the stick] Saw you dropped your stick there, thought I'd bring it back. And you hang on! [mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it's thrown again] Did you see me just bring that back? And then you you dropped it again? This is very weird. I don't know what's going on here. [mimes bringing the stick back again] Now, hang on to it this time, I don't want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you don't f**king throw it!" That's why the third time, when they come back, they won't give it to you. They go, [through clenched teeth] "No I won't let you take it!"

 
Eddie Izzard
 

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

 
Eddie Izzard
 

And they ask me, "Well, is it alright if we let the drug-sniffing dog walk along the outside of the plane?" I said, "That's fine," and the dog walks back and forth a few times, and the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," and I was like, "...No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was starting straight at him! He didn't wink, blink, woof, or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? [Mimes a blank stare] That's all he did!" And the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," And I said, "Well I said there are no drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or...Ah, f**k it, whatever." It takes them an hour and a half to search this plane, and I'm standing there going, "Oh, come on!" And of course there are no drugs on the plane, and I think that's it, and then the cop goes, "Now that dog needs to sniff that bag you have with you," and I was like, [Scooby Doo voice] "Ruh Roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. I consider myself OUT of marijuana when I have 7/8 of a gram. That's no weed.

 
Ron White
 

"For us the most important thing is to be visual, and for the cats watching us to have fun. This is all we want. We get very upset if people get bored when we're only half way through smashing the second set. Then all of a sudden they hear Arnold Layne and they flip all over again."

 
Roger Waters
 

Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle]
Ch. 4, 08:18

 
Bill Bailey
© 2009–2013Quotes Privacy Policy | Contact