Woody Allen
American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian.
Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
“I WANTED nothing more than to be a foreign filmmaker, but of course I was from Brooklyn, which was not a foreign country. Through a happy accident I wound up being a foreign filmmaker because I couldn’t raise money any other way.”
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"
"Abraham," the Zaddik said.
"But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple.
"All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.