Saturday, August 19, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Gracie Allen (1895 – 1964)


American comedian, actress, singer, dancer; and the comedic partner and wife of George Burns.
Gracie Allen
The masses demand a fighting President, and that means youíve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack.
So what can you offend?
Thatís an easy one. Offend the other candidates, because theyíll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.
Allen quotes
Gracie gets her laughs ó we hope ó because we often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.
Allen
Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first timeĖand millions are doing nothing because itís the best offer theyíve had this week. Ö It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they arenít quite so smart.




Allen Gracie quotes
Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.
Allen Gracie
Cultivate friendships. If you donít have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.
Gracie Allen quotes
George: Gracie, those are beautiful flowers. Where did they come from?
Gracie: Don't you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn't looking, I did.
Gracie Allen
I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they donít know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while Iím waiting for the returns to come in.
Allen Gracie quotes
I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.
Allen
I'll bet you say that to all the girls!
Allen Gracie
Now, I donít pretend to know all the answers. Iím just a plain, ordinary, everyday genius who loves her fellow-man whenever possible. But let me tell you that women are getting very tired of running a poor second to the Forgotten Man, and with all the practice weíve had around the house the time is ripe for a woman to sweep the country. Iíll make a prediction with my eyes open: that a woman can and will be elected if she is qualified and gets enough votes.
Gracie Allen
As we walk hand in hand through the pathways of knowledge, remember that I am giving you freely and without stint the full accumulation of my two monthsí experience as a candidate. I have on file a complete record of everything Iíve said and done. Ever since I threw my hat in the ring I have had myself shadowed, and the results were very entertaining. The things that go on in those back rooms, you wouldnít believe.
So now we begin our journey together. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will find that every step of your progress, like the path that climbs up and up from the sheltered valley, offers you an ever-wider and more facinating vista, until at last you come out upon the summit of the wrong hill.




Gracie Allen quotes
Presidents are made, not born. Thatís a good thing to remember. Itís silly to think that Presidents are born, because very few people are 35 years old at birth, and those who are wonít admit it. So if youíre only 16 donít be discouraged, because itís only a phase and thereís nothing wrong with you that you wonít outgrow.
Gracie Allen
A keyhole speech is very simple, especially mine. First it states the issues. An issue is just a difference of opinion, which is why we put erasers on horse races. And as I always say, as long as we have issues, we canít have everything. Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how theyíll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.
Allen quotes
Letís all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.
Allen Gracie
Who am I to talk? Thatís a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you. Ö Come to think of it, who are you? Whoever you are, I sympathize with you. I sympathize with everybody; thatís what I get for being a candidate myself. Let them call us nonentities. Who cares? A nonenitiy can be just as famous as anybody else if enough people know about him.
But letís leave personalities out of this and just talk about me.
Allen Gracie quotes
Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.
Gracie Allen
Of course, it goes without saying that every candidate must be progressive, fearless, vigorous, and liberal; invincible in victory and invisible in defeat, awake to the needs of the people whether they know what they know what they need or not. You should also come from a good family, because while breeding isnít everything, it is said to be lots of fun. George Burns ó thatís Mister Allen ó was saying the other day that to be President of the United States you also have to have brains, integrity, ability and intelligence, but I think he was just trying to talk me into it.
Gracie Allen quotes
Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean.
So vote early and often. Donít wait until Election Day. I may have found other work by then. Do it now!
Gracie Allen
I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.
Allen Gracie
You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you.


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