Sunday, October 22, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Billy Connolly


Comedian, Musician, Presenter, and Actor.
Billy Connolly
They should all join the Brothers of the Beige- "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony."
Connolly quotes
53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize- it's a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I'm a slut man!
Connolly
I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.




Connolly Billy quotes
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
Connolly Billy
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
Billy Connolly quotes
[Stamps his foot, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well!
Billy Connolly
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
Connolly Billy quotes
I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck".
Connolly
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Connolly Billy
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
Billy Connolly
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?




Billy Connolly quotes
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly
[to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage.
Connolly quotes
Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!
Connolly Billy
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
Connolly Billy quotes
Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.
Billy Connolly
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Billy Connolly quotes
I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.
Billy Connolly
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.
Connolly Billy
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.


© 2009–2013Quotes Privacy Policy | Contact