Friday, March 29, 2024 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Billy Connolly


Comedian, Musician, Presenter, and Actor.
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Billy Connolly
Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
Connolly quotes
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
Connolly
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.




Connolly Billy quotes
(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
Connolly Billy
You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!"
Billy Connolly quotes
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
Billy Connolly
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
Connolly Billy quotes
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
Connolly
You've made a happy man very old.
Connolly Billy
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
Billy Connolly
[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.




Billy Connolly quotes
That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!
Billy Connolly
I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!
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