(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
Billy Connolly
» Billy Connolly - all quotes »
With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we’re all gay. Now there are people out there [in audience] going “Do they think we’re gay because we’re here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We’re not going to understand a word of this.” Seriously, though, if you're here you're probably gay. I mean, you have tendencies, you've thought about it. Now there are people [in audience] going “I have thought about it. Does that mean I'm gay? I'm not gay. Is that how they get us?”
Ellen DeGeneres
BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?
Various Audience Members cheer
BB: What kind of guinea pig?
Muffled suggestions from audience members
BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! (Imitates guniea pig owners) "I dunno, some brown thing...". So what breed?
Audience Member: Crested!
BB: (misunderstands) A what? A crusty...a crusty guinea pig? (Imitates owner) I think you should take it to the vet as soon as possible! "Gah, it's crusting over again, it's crusting up Captain!!" (understands) Ah, crested? What you have there is a newt I think, madam! Some bloke in a pub sold you that! (as man in pub) "Yeah, that's a crested guinea pig, they're lovely, them..."Bill Bailey
Very bad thing, killing little boy. But maybe Red man knows about whisky-Red, very thirsty, making crazy. Not like killing man to take his house or his woman or his land, like White man all the time.
Orson Scott Card
If you haven't used grep, you've missed one of the simple pleasures of life.
Brian Kernighan
Connolly, Billy
Connolly, Cyril
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