Noel Fielding
English artist, comedian and actor.
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I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.
I think I should be in a [Disney animated] film called ‘Space Shrews’. Where I go to space. With a load of shrews. And nothing really happens. We just get out and have a lolly and then come back. But it’ll be a musical [...] the ship will be built out of my own hair.
In Edinburgh? I quite like the City Cafe. Because you never get served in there. And I like the idea that you can go in there for three hours and still not get your order. I think that’s quite funny. And then when you say ‘Can I have some food - I’m wasting away,’ they have the audacity to tut at you. When there’s only four of you in there. Fuckers. They should all be shot in the face. Sorry. I’m only joking. And I’m really tired.
[When asked about fake vs. real breasts] I have [felt fake ones.] Recently. Not on purpose, though. I don't mind either way, but I'm not into huge breasts. I prefer them petite.
I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.
I wasn't trying to be cool [by hating Coldplay]. I genuinely hate Coldplay*
I prefer women's company to men's. Men are very narrow and conditioned to behave in a certain way. Women are cooler about stuff.
You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.
[When asked if people think he and Julian Barratt are a couple] A lot of people want to think that. We found some gay porn, didn't we, Julian? [...] It was me sucking Julian's cock. Or was it him sucking mine? Anyway, it was really disturbing. So we may turn it into an episode in series three.
I used to suck [Smarties] until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them.
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
I can't think of any song in the world now. That shows how I thick I am. Name of a song...no, pass, sorry!
I had a garter snake named Clayton.
Yeah, a lot of people think that [two men kissing is attractive.] My girlfriend is obsessed with it! When she gets drunk, she often tries to make me snog Julian [Barratt]. Or whoever is around.
[When asked how to keep men happy] Blow jobs.
I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"
No means yes in grasshopper language.
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