Larry the Cable Guy
Better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor.
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"
That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
Ever order breakfast at Denny's, and then you go to the bathroom and yer in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool?
Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games!
[about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit."
I didn't even know [my wife] was pregnant at first, cause I'd gotten used to her throwing up everytime we had sex...
I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties!
[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!