Josh Billings (1818 – 1885)
Better known by his pen name Josh Billings, was an American humorist.
Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.
The wheel that squeaks the loudest
Is the one that gets the grease.
Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I have seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat terrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out.
Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it itz broken.
Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.
The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.
If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.
When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill."
If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.
I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.
Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!
A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.
Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.
Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country.
A secret ceases to be a secret if it is once confided—it is like a dollar bill, once broken, it is never a dollar again.
Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallow.