Tuesday, June 27, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Jay Leno


Comedian, host of The Tonight Show.
Jay Leno
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
Leno quotes
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
Leno
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.




Leno Jay quotes
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".
Leno Jay
How many watched the President's speech last night?
[half-hearted audience applause]
How many watched American Idol?
[thundering applause]
Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.
Jay Leno quotes
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
Jay Leno
"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
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I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
Leno
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
Leno Jay
How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest.
Jay Leno
Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.




Jay Leno quotes
106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
Jay Leno
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
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Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
Leno Jay
"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."
Leno Jay quotes
[about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]
Jay Leno
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".
Jay Leno quotes
No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.
Jay Leno
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
Leno Jay
And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.


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