Craig Ferguson
Scottish-born actor/comedian and current host of The Late Late Show.
[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.
Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
Welcome back, my naughty penguins.
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!
By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!
Welcome back, my naughty donkeys.
That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."
Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin.
Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse.