Josh Billings (1818 – 1885)
Better known by his pen name Josh Billings, was an American humorist.
I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav ein the author ov it.
Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.
I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.
Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands.
Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.
I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.
When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, then i am happy.
Nature never makes blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.
I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know.
I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream.
We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.
Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and cheap mistake tew make.
The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.
I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.
About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.
If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.
The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.
Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet.
Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.