Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and Americans in Scotland.
True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked "Unknown," and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in "honoring the memory" of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.
Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream.
Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.
Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.
Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.
Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:
A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"