Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.
Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
White, adj. and n. Black.
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.
Twice, adv. Once too often.
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Alone, adj. In bad company.
Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.
Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.