Josh Billings (1818 – 1885)
Better known by his pen name Josh Billings, was an American humorist.
A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.
If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.
I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.
When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill."
If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.
The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.
Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.
Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it itz broken.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!
Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.
Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country.
A secret ceases to be a secret if it is once confided—it is like a dollar bill, once broken, it is never a dollar again.
Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallow.
It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.
"Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.
I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.
Truth dont require the aid ov elegant and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a wooden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.