Josh Billings (1818 – 1885)
Better known by his pen name Josh Billings, was an American humorist.
Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands.
I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.
If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless".
It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.
Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a mank kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.
I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil.
Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites mor wonder than a star in the heavens.
When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.
Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.
There iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.
I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me.
I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.
I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for.
Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.
I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one.
Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blasted concern; put a Yankee in, and he would see where he could alter it to advantage; put an Irishman in, and he would want to boss the thing; put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed to plant it.