Robin Williams
American actor and comedian.
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...
As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. He was sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying "Who's your diaper daddy, who's your diaper daddy?"
We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."
What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"
The Swiss...the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army—how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First you pull the cork out, sniff it, say 'meat or fish?' and throw! (military cadence) I don't know what I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold, Ja!"
The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"
Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!
Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?
Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". <hissing noise> "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."
(On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.
There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like <tiptoes across the stage> "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar..."
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.