Robin Williams
American actor and comedian.
I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!
[regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.
Imitating Pavarotti. "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"
[spoofing Mr. Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Oh damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.
We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...
As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. He was sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying "Who's your diaper daddy, who's your diaper daddy?"
Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)
Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.
Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a lightbulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
[as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.
And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints, it'll say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."
Michael is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?
And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.