Robin Williams
American actor and comedian.
The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.
They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? Okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on.
Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Michael is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?
And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints, it'll say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."
[as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a lightbulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!
Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.
Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"
[regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.
These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.
Imitating Pavarotti. "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"
Welcome to Washington, D.C., where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.