Jerky Boys
The Jerky Boys Characters are the creation of Johnny Brennan, who is also the voice behind Mort Goldman and Horace in the unrelated TV show Family Guy.
"I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?" (from "Bacon")
Tarbash: "What does 'iconoclast' mean?"
Diane the Flower Lady: "I don't know."
Tarbash: "Then I speak English better than you. It means breaker of idols, icons. Iconoclast."
Diane the Flower Lady: "It's not a word."
"(to a diamond dealer) I got some stones I wanna get rid of. I whacked a fucker out last night and I need to get rid of these stones."(from "Diamond Dealer")
"Dammit, woman, you're not listening to me."
"My lover fell asleep with a cigarette in the bed and burned up all my ass and legs." (from "The Mattress King")
"See that shit, I play the flute too, in more ways than one too." (from Signin')
"Listen, he carved out a hole in the middle of the floor and he's building you a volcano. That's all I know. And you're supposed to come down with your flowers and make sacrificial offerings. And he's supposed to throw you into the volcano. This is all I understand." (from "Flower Lady #2)
"If you can't whip out answers like that, that man (Alex Trebeck) is liable to, during a commercial break, punch your fuckin' mouth loose!" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
"This one time I gave this guy a haircut he didn't like, he kicked my fucking ass all over." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
"Is the Fat Muffin Man there?" (from "Paradise")
"It's time for siesta, you're being silly. Bye!" (from "Mariposa")
"Whatever you need sold I'll sell it. Bring in a tank and I'll sell the fuckin thing." (from "Car Salesman")
"I"m constantly slugging myself in the genitals." (from "Breast Enlargement")
"My wife's up there (on the roof) poking around like she knows what the fuck she's doing, I fired her ass off onto the fuckin car." (from "Roofing")
"I used to be a seaman. Now I just put it all over my wife's ass." (from "Kissel Sails")
"What do you cuss at me for, I need your help." (from "Pizza Lawyer")
"How many pits are in a pear?" "Aah, two." "You know damn well there's much more than 2 pits in a pear." (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
"Hurry up." (-any character being told to "please hold")
"We call her Gimpy. That's not very nice but...what's she gonna do about it?" (from "Sol's Turnstile")
"I'm only scarred about the face, breast, chest, neck, and head. Other than that I look fine - a little makeup conceals everything." (from "The Gay Model")