Jack Benny (1894 – 1974)
Born Benjamin Kubelsky, was an American comedian, vaudeville performer, and radio, television, and film actor.
Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.
Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?
Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.
Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
Thug: [repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.
Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.
Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.
Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.
Clyde: Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.
Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.
Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine.
For a man who was the undisputed master of timing, you'd have to say that this was the only time when Jack's timing was all wrong. He left us much too soon. He was stingy to the end. He only gave us eighty years and it wasn't enough.
Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.
Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life.
Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.
Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.
Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?
Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?