Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
"There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust."
"There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must."
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.
"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose Innocence?"
"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that she is a virtue."
Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.
Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:
A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"
Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.
Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.