Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain "—that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.
Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.
Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
To the eye of failure success is an accident.
Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.