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My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
--
quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

 

Henny Youngman

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I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.

 

Kathy Griffin

 

You know the man who told me about it on the bus,
as it went up the hill out of Scranton, Pennsylvania,
he shrugged his shoulders, he shook his head,
and he said (and this is exactly what he said)
"Boy that sure must've been something.
Just imagine thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, there were thirty thousand pounds of mashed bananas.
Of bananas. Just bananas. Thirty thousand pounds.
of Bananas—not no driver now. Just bananas!"

 

Harry Chapin

 

I've never gone on a diet to lose weight. I have taken a few things out of my diet, like pasta and white bread, which are not so necessary for the body. Right now I'm looking at apple strudel and brownies with whipped cream. Do I want to eat all that? Yes. I've been wanting it all day but I'm not going to do it. I'll have something else.

 

Heidi Klum

 

I’d like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

 

Robert Frost

 

The National Enquirer published this thing called the "Chow like Cho Diet," which was this fake diet that I never went on, with all these fake quotes from me, like "When I was a little girl, I was raised on rice and fish. So when I get heavy, I go back to that natural Asian way of eating." That is so Mulan. You can almost hear the mandolin in the background. "When I was a little girl, I grow up on the rice paddy... and although we have no food, I have a tendency to put on weight."

 

Margaret Cho