Kathy Griffin
Emmy-winning American stand-up comedian and actress.
Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no "bear" bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!
I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!
When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!
It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!
Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!
So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!
(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"- it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it.
People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.
I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.
So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)
Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!
Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.
Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......
You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.
Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!
Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!
I'm gonna be so hot, I'm gonna fuck myself!
I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!
I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!
And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.