Woody Allen
American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian.
Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.
Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.
I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.