Woody Allen
American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"
"Abraham," the Zaddik said.
"But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple.
"All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
You start to think, when you’re younger, how important everything is and how things have to go right—your job, your career, your life, your choices, and all of that. Then, after a while, you start to realise that – I’m talking the big picture here – eventually you die, and eventually the sun burns out and the earth is gone, and eventually all the stars and all the planets in the entire universe go, disappear, and nothing is left at all. Nothing – Shakespeare and Beethoven and Michelangelo gone. And you think to yourself that there’s a lot of noise and sound and fury – and where’s it going? It’s not going any place… Now, you can’t actually live your life like that, because if you do you just sit there and – why do anything? Why get up in the morning and do anything? So I think it’s the job of the artist to try and figure out why, given this terrible fact, you want to go on living.
Harry: You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example.
[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.