Rita Rudner
American comedian and writer.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
When I was a kid I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)