Rita Rudner
American comedian and writer.
In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
[advice to a woman who can't decide between 2 men] Remember, Humphrey Bogart was not the first choice for Casablanca; Ronald Reagan was. So maybe if Ronnie had taken the part, Humprey Bogart could have been president. And maybe if you date this guy, you could be president too!
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Money is the root of all jewelry.
Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
[about her talk show] I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair and I don't help anybody.
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love...I'd stepped in it a few times. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"