Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.
When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
White, adj. and n. Black.
Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below.