Ambrose Bierce (1842 – 1913)
American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist.
Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream.
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked "Unknown," and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in "honoring the memory" of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.
Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.
Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.
Alone, adj. In bad company.
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Twice, adv. Once too often.
Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.