Maddox
George Ouzounian is the owner of The Best Page in the Universe, a satirical website.
"I subscribe to an email service from CNN called "CNN Breaking News." Basically every time shit hits the fan, you're supposed to receive an email. Most of the "breaking news" I've received has been as earth shattering as an actor arrested for drunk driving. Wow, now excuse me while I change my freshly soiled boxers."
"There aren't many things I don't want to experience in life, but the sensual caress of a parent going through mid-life crisis is one of them."
"Look out pop-culture! Bono has had enough of 'romantic love'."
"Notice the telltale sign of a man who has a penchant for boy ass: the pedophile-smile or 'pedosmile.' It's part smirk, part grin, and all molester. It's like he's having a two-for-one sale on rape, no refunds or exchanges."
"This car just looks terrible; it looks like it was designed by a blind child with arthritis. In a coma." (on the Honda Element)
"I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven."
"Is someone you know anorexic? A good joke would be to tell them that they're fat. They'll laugh because anorexic people aren't fat. HAHAH"
"... the real reason ADD exists is because executives at pharmaceutical companies need to make their Lexus payments."
"I've got pissing people off down to a science."
"The theme song states "YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE... YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A CHANGE." Wow, thank you MTV, for making me feel empowered and independent, like only a multinational media conglomerate can."
"Thank you Joe Nobody for giving me your expert opinion on what missile sounds like, because gas station superintendents are usually the best people to ask about the sonic signature of ballistic missile thrust."