Maddox
George Ouzounian is the owner of The Best Page in the Universe, a satirical website.
"...you could sell these people hookers in a vagina storm."
"Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis."
"If you've ever wondered what someone who's horny enough to pay a bunch of adolescents $5000 in cash in exchange for some action looks like, take a good look at Ms. Walker's picture. Three words: battery operated dildo. Or if you happen to be a stickler for brevity like I am, just one word: cucumber. Because, damn."
"If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email would be the plane that crashed into it."
"My Nuts are just under critical mass, a few inches away from collapsing into a super dense vortex of nutsaqutron (a type of radiation given off by enormous balls)."
"Watching this video is like being bukkaked with stupid."
"It's not that I rule, it's that everyone else sucks more than I do. We all suck, and whoever sucks the least is king."
"How can a movie be "one of the best"? There's only one "best" movie, so saying something is "one of the best" is stupid and doesn't make sense. Technically any movie that's not the worst could be considered "one of the best." Imagine that, another empty phrase used by marketing people. I want to punch someone in the throat."
"There are pigs that can manipulate joysticks, yet you morons can't even send me an intelligible email."
"Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing."
"Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples."
"6. You realize that if 10 million people saw the movie once, each wasting 3 hours of their lives, that 30 million hours have been wasted, and that if each person lived an average of 70 years, 3,424 years, or 49 lives will have been wasted watching the Titanic. James Cameron has effectively murdered 49 people. (Not necessarily a reason to cry, but it is to a sap that saw Titanic in the first place)."
"Some people think I'm conceited. Oh well. All my friends think I'm better than they are. Sometimes my friends ask 'so how come you rule so much?' One time I decided to play basketball, but I suck at basketball so I lost. Just kidding, I kicked everyone's ass because I'm the best. I own everyone at everything. There's no use in trying to be as good as me because it's impossible. There aren't enough words to describe how good I am. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME. I AM KING. Everyone wishes they were me. EVERYONE. If I weren't me, I'd wish I was. I love me."
"Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors."
"New rule: if your state has more cows than people, you don't get to be a state anymore."
"Don't you retards think before you click "Send" that maybe someone on the other end is actually going to read your stupid, malformed emails some day? It's almost like there's a record full of incomprehensible bullshit playing in your mind 24/7, and you put the needle down randomly and whatever it picks up, you just type it up in an email and shoot it off to me, usually mid-sentence."
"If trashy television was a video game, The Jenny Jones show would be the final boss."
"I was going to write about how I was going to take away women's right to vote, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote, except for women, and they don't count."
"There are only three reasons you should ever be this delighted about anything, and all of them involve you being a hot chick, meeting me, and lube."
"If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel."