Jay London
American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.
Did you know it was a year ago today?
Am I bothering you, miss?
People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.
I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.
I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.
Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.
Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?
I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)