Jay London
American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.
Did you know it was a year ago today?
Am I bothering you, miss?
People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.
You know what burns me? Matches.
Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
I saw a stationery store move.
It'll be over soon, miss.
I model irregular clothing.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.