Jay London
American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing.
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.
You know what burns me? Matches.
Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
I saw a stationery store move.
It'll be over soon, miss.
I model irregular clothing.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I was born nine months premature.