Daniel Tosh
Comedian who currently resides in Los Angeles, California.
I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working!
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?
Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God...How can I make this funny for everybody?"...Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So, he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!" Then whack, right then! And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later.
Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.