Craig Ferguson
Scottish-born actor/comedian and current host of The Late Late Show.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?
[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!
It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].
Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.
By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.
Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?
Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.
Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!
Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]
Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
...best night of my life.