Craig Ferguson
Scottish-born actor/comedian and current host of The Late Late Show.
[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera.
Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there.
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!
Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
I can't live by your rules, man!
"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"
"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations." On the creation of St. Valentine's Day. (14 February 2010)
He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.