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"Oh indeed!" exclaimed the King. Then he turned to his servants and said: "Please take General Crinkle to the torture chamber. There you will kindly slice him into thin slices. Afterward you may feed him to the seven-headed dogs."
--
The Emerald City of Oz, Chapter 4, "How The Nome King Planned Revenge" (1910)

 

L. Frank Baum

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I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I was riding in a car with two dogs and my wife, and the wife said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I said, "Shit," or whatever the hell I said, because I don't like going to the bank, everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be back in 5 minutes," but there's no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn on the property, with two signs that both say "No Dogs", so I take my dogs over there. A guy comes out with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm like, "Well, the sign's wrong. It should say, 'two dogs'."

 

Ron White

 

We "conserve" nothing; neither do we want to return to any past periods; we are not by any means "liberal"; we do not work for "progress"; we do not need to plug up our ears against the sirens who in the market place sing of the future: their song about "equal rights," "a free society," "no more masters and no servants" has no allure for us.

 

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f**ker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f**ker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

I lifted my glass to my lips when suddenly I stopped and felt all my blood rush to my heart.
This is what I heard:
"What's the theme of the novel you're working on?"
"Truth," replied Pierre Villiers.
"What?" exclaimed his friend.
"A succession of human beings caught just as they are."

 

Henri Barbusse

 

He was deeply impressed by the eloquence of the plaintiff, and after hearing his evidence he exclaimed, "I believe you are right!"
The clerk of the court explained that he should make no such comment until he had heard the case for the defence. Having done so, Nasruddin cried out, "I believe you are right!"
"But they can't both be right," expostulated the clerk.
"I believe you are right," said the Mulla.

 

Nasreddin